Restoring Relationships to the Natural Model: You’re Not Meant to Bicker - Stacey and Paul Martino - FHR #313

Funnel Hacker Radio - Podcast (Dave Woodward)

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Why Dave Decided to talk to Stacey and Paul Martino:

Yes it’s that time of the year again, a day where most people simply eat chocolates and pretending to be in love. BUT YOU’RE NOT “MOST PEOPLE” ARE YOU?!? NO. This is a culture of FunnelHackers and trailblazers and today we’re restoring love back to what it was meant to be, everlasting and simply fun. Stacey and Paul Martino are here to teach you just how we’ve been conditioned to fail in relationships. Listen in and take note on how both Masculine and Feminine Power are essential to your relationships, even the ones outside your love life.

Tips and Tricks for You and Your Business:

(2:30) Changing Relationships Back to the Natural Model

(5:04) You need to understand the triggers of a man vs a woman

(9:32) Men work off of direct communication, women work off of applied communication

(11:14) How Communication Issues Are Resolved Through Understanding the Human Wiring

(12:52) Why Do Relationships Now Naturally Fade? They Don’t Work With the Natural Model

(14:50) Do You Know the 8-Step System Stacey and Paul Trademarked?

(15:42) One of these 8 Steps is SYNERGY AKA Rock Star Alignment

(16:28) Does Your Intention Match Your Attention?

(18:38) Why Competition For Attention Does Not Belong in Natural Relationships

(22:56) We All Need to Understand “Masculine Presence” In Work and Personal Relationships

(26:21) Women’s Power Is Not Found In Becoming More Masculine

(32:06) Sydney and Paul LOVE Using Russell’s Perfect Webinar

Quotable Moments:

(3:00) “We’ve all been conditioned to believe that passion should fade and that relationships should turn down and become dull and unfulfilling. Which is so not true and is really just a direct result of what we’ve never known.”

(8:48) “We are unknowingly causing ‘curfuffles’ and triggering each other just because we don’t understand and appreciate how the opposite is wired.”

(15:10) “Show up differently to shift yourself so your partner experiences a shift to without having to to any ‘couples work’ because that couples work doesn’t work.”

(19:38) “We are SO not counselors, we are not; but we are solution providers. There seems to be no relationship problem we cannot solve.”

Other Tidbits:

Relationships, especially marriage, are a skill that most people haven’t quite mastered yet.

Do you understand and know the triggers of your lover?

You must live from your priorities.

—Transcript—

Speaker 1: 00:00 Welcome to funnel hacker radio podcast, where we go behind the scenes and uncover the tactics and strategies top entrepreneurs are using to make more sales, dominate their markets, and how you can get those same results. Here’s your host, Dave Woodward.

Speaker 2: 00:17 Everyone. Welcome back to funnel hacker radio. I am so excited today if we do this thing right, you’re actually getting this on Valentine’s Day. Hopefully that sowed. This is set up and if you do, I want to make sure, no matter when you get this, you have the opportunity of meetings and my dear friend Stacy Palmer. Tito, welcome to the show. This is so much on, but don’t you guys don’t know who they are. These two magical couple has been had this crazy opportunity of, and I think it’s so. First of all, you have to understand these are. This is a couple who’s got a such a huge strong passion and a love for helping serve other couples and I think especially on Valentine’s Day, I’m hoping this comes across in the way that I hope that it does. They’ve had a company called relationship development data work, but the coolest part for me is they’ve literally saved thousands of marriages around the world.

Speaker 2: 01:07 Now that’s real cool, but I’m sure there’s other people who’ve worked at relationships space. You can say that, but the coolest part for me is they do this by working only with one spouse and that is like the most amazing thing in the world to. I’m like you always hear about this whole idea of couples counseling stuff and they’re going to debunk the whole myth why that doesn’t work, but most importantly, help you guys understand the importance and the value that one person and how one person literally can change everything. So aside from the fact there are two Comma Club award winners as part of our inner circle, part of just dear friends. By the time you’re hearing this, we will have just completed our Russell speaking on [inaudible] station. Will have come across the stage. We will spend our time out in the Bahamas together. And with all that said, I just want to welcome you and just say, I’m so grateful that you’re here. Most important. Cause I know that you’re going to provide to this audience, so thank you. You’re so welcome and thank you to be able to help anybody that wouldn’t benefit from doing that. Everybody deserves these answers. I love it. So tell me where’s the best place to start? Because I know you guys came to inner circle and get this a magical trading as far as different. I’m a one. That’s all I cared about was number one.

Speaker 2: 02:19 No, but seriously, tell me what, where, where do people get started? Cause I know this is this, this holiday is a really painful holiday for a lot of people that often times is some of those things where people, all they do is remember all the terrible relationship they had and the ones that didn’t work and why it’s not working or they’re in a relationship and they’re trying to think, even though it’s good, I want it to be better. I want to have more passion when I have more excitement. There’s got to be. I don’t want this, you know, you talked about this whole honeymoon phase and I want my whole marriage to be even better than my honeymoon was. Let’s go. Where do they go? How do they do this thing? It’s great. I would also say that like, I mean, you’re just, it right off the bat.

Speaker 3: 03:00 They to like, we’ve all been conditioned to believe that the passion should fade, our relationships turn should turn down and then they become dull and unfulfilling. And that’s so not true. It really is just a direct result of what we’ve never known. Um, and that’s the difference and if you think about it doesn’t make sense that we should find ourselves in this dynamic and yet we are so attracted to each other, like why would that be? It doesn’t even fit the natural model, but, and it really is a case where people just get to the end of their skill set and you think, well, that’s just the way it is. That is the way that it was sad and that’s true. Um, but we’re changing that dynamic. It didn’t have to be that way. That’s the first thing people need to realize this. No, it doesn’t have to be that way, but culturally everybody kind of conditions that into us. They can. Yeah. There’s just the way that it goes. Oh, well

Speaker 4: 03:43 gotta settle and that’s sad for people to understand that there is something you can do. There’s a completely different approach that you can take. It only takes one person and what I’ll throw out there is most people get into a situation where they think it’s either them or their spouse. That’s the challenge. Like, Oh, if I could just get my partner to see if I could just get them to get on board or you know, maybe it’s me. I’ve always had this problem and I don’t know if I’m going to be okay in this relationship or I can’t do any better, but what we want people to know is that it really isn’t you and it really isn’t. Your partner relationship is actually a skillset and it can be learned. It’s just that no one ever taught us a way to do relationship that creates predictable patterns that result in an unshakable love. We’re nothing. Nobody can come between you and the passion, which is better than anything you’ve ever had, but you can totally create that. It’s a skill set and it can be learned.

Speaker 3: 04:47 Well, I know a lot of people associate this with kind of the type of medicine and don’t believe in this thing. So I’m all about practical application. So tell me where do people get started as far as. Because I, I love the idea that fact that it involves only one person and so let’s start with what can a person do?

Speaker 4: 05:04 Well, one of the things is about understanding that a lot of what goes on in relationship is based on someone getting triggered. Whether your partner does something that triggers you. We all have those things, right? Like, oh my gosh, a million times I’ve asked them to whatever, fill in the blank, right? And it triggers me and I just want them to. Why can’t they understand? Don’t use that tone with me, or why can’t they understand? I just need some time when I come home, before I can listen to everything or whatever it is. Understanding that there are sets of triggers that are getting triggered and they’re all those things that you’re doing that you have no idea that you are unknowingly triggering your partner and so for an example, we often use the example of understanding that there are like so many masculine feminine triggers because we are wildly different and somehow like we knew we were different back, but something happens when you get into a longterm relationship and eventually you start evaluating and judging your partner based on what you would have said or what you would have done or never said or never done and how could they and you’re kind of evaluating what they’re doing based on your own blueprint of how you see the world.

Speaker 4: 06:16 But we’re almost different species. It’s like a miracle we ever get anywhere with each other. And so understanding masculine feminine triggers. You can stop unknowingly triggering the crap out of your partner when you don’t think you’re doing anything wrong and also handle your own triggers where they’re triggering you and instead of trying to ask them to change, which doesn’t really work. When you ask anybody else to change for you handling your own trigger, so an example would be like how the masculine and feminine proceeds held in the masculine. You want to talk about that together, like men don’t offer help to other men, or if they do, they’ll say something like, hey, we need some help with that. Usually other guy’s like, no, no. I got the first man who was like, no, I’m not gonna say no. Let me step right in. Let me just take over what you’re doing here and getting involved because that’s going to trigger the other man.

Speaker 4: 07:10 He’s like, no, get away this because it’s insinuating he doesn’t have his act together or somehow he’s not capable for a natural reaction and as guys we get them and then if you do the same thing with a woman, you need to see how different is the feminine perceived health as a sign of support and affection. So whereas men also don’t appreciate unasked for help. If a woman just started offering help when he hasn’t asked for it. Right? It’s annoying for a man or offensive even for a man to feel like, why are you, why are you talking to me about this? I never asked you for your help. I’ve got it. I’ve got it right. So men end up treating their spouses like there other men and they don’t offer unasked for health because they don’t want to disrespect their partner or imply that she doesn’t have her act together.

Speaker 4: 07:59 And a woman is doing a million things thinking to herself. How is he that he knows all these things? Why is he such a jerk? But he can and he’s trying to be respectful by not offering and ask for help. He doesn’t want to imply that she doesn’t have it together. Um, and meanwhile, women have been trained for centuries that if you’re a good girl, you offer help even when people don’t ask. And if they say, no, no, no, that’s okay. I don’t need it. You just jumped in and you start helping anyway because that’s what a good girl does. And so when we do that for our husbands, when we’re like, do you need a hand with that? And he says, let me just help you, let me just show you how you can do that better. You find men who throw up their hands and be like, well, and we are unknowingly causing kerfuffles and triggering each other just because we don’t understand and appreciate how the opposite is wired. One is not wrong and one is not right. One is not better and one is not worse. We’re different for a reason. We bring beautiful gifts to each other. We just need to understand how to appreciate that and not let it trigger us because we’re so different.

Speaker 3: 09:16 I’ve been married 25 years as of last November and I still have a situation where I’m like, just tell me what you want me to do. I’ll do whatever you want, just tell me what you might do. And she’s like,

Speaker 4: 09:26 you should know after 25 years what I need. Again, it’s a very big masculine, feminine dynamic. We actually just did a two day event where we taught our students all about the communication that women are comfortable with versus the direct communication that men only operate from and both get triggered by that in each other. Women feel like a man’s competent, direct communication like that is a little bit jerky. Like she would never be so bold as to say exactly. Um, and women have learned that, you know, if you really care about someone, you’ll figure it out. Right? That old, if you love me, you’d know, which is unfortunately, oh my gosh, she doesn’t know. It’s just, it’s time. We all get trained on this so that we can have a skillset. It’s a skillset. It’s not. If you love me, this would all work out if you love me enough, it would be meant to be.

Speaker 4: 10:25 All of that stuff that we’ve been handed from generations past is the old paradigm of how to do relationship. It’s broken. It’s been broken for a long time and actually never works. When two people in the relationship are free to go. It only worked when one person that our relationship wasn’t free to go, but as soon as everybody, like women have rights to leave and men had rights to leave the old paradigm of just people not saying and people not being able to lie to fail, we need to learn the skills of how to align, how to collaborate and how to appreciate all these different.

Speaker 3: 10:59 You hit it right on the head too. It’s like, just tell me what to do. We both show up with the best of intentions and we wonder why we’re so frustrated. We’re like, I’m actually here to help and I wonder why this thing went off the rounds. It’s the same on the masculine side as well as the feminine side. It’s that gap is that gap that creates a problem because the reason why you’re hitting it right there because we have an. It’s just a masculine feminine that we’re talking about right now. There’s actually a few other layers. Um, but what happens is we have these fossils and then we just label it as like, she’s unworkable. He’s a workable, like it doesn’t have to be this hard. So each time one of those failures happen, it’s like building a little bit of a wall and then we slowly build up these walls of resentment over time and that is the natural dynamic that people are facing and it’s sad because it was preventable.

Speaker 3: 11:45 That’s really how their relationship rows going back to your first point by building these walls over time. Then after awhile we feel so distant that we feel so disconnected. We’re like, I’m not even sure if I love that person anymore. When in reality it was layer after layer of misunderstanding because again, we. There’s, there’s been such a massive change in this world where men and women became equal in the workplace in rights and things like that that didn’t exist before. And then there was this overcorrection where instead of what used to be real differences, we tried to make everybody the same and it became uncool to talk about any kind of differences. When in reality it’s stark is day and night. The differences between the way the feminist sees the world in a masculine, we are equal, but we’re not the same. But because we’ve sort of been conditioned like she should get this or he should get this, and then we wonder why.

Speaker 3: 12:32 Because they know you’re equal in the household. You already call here at wherever. No, actually there’s still fundamental wiring that has not changed. This evolution happened very quickly. We haven’t adapted. And in fact, what typically happens with a massive changes. There’s sort of an overcorrection and that’s what happened here. We overcorrected to try to make everything the same and it’s killing relationships in multiple waves now. But that really is the dynamic of why relationships naturally fade because these walls are being built up accidentally with both sides showing up with the best of intentions. And then they’re like, well, I did the best that I could. So I guess this is just the way that it goes. So it was really sad that the outcome is that, but it was totally preventable and it was just this lack of understanding where we’re not seeing the reality on the other side of that creates a problem.

Speaker 3: 13:15 And I’ll just use my little quick metaphor, uh, which is, you know, we, we say we just thought it said the last meeting actually where if you imagine yourself facing your partner and there’s a fence between you, so there’s literally you on one side of the fence and your partner on the other side of the fence and you’re looking out and behind your partner who is on the other side of the fence. You see like the rest of the neighborhood, right? So you see the neighbor’s house here and the trees over there, whenever the case may be. Well from where they’re standing and you’re saying to them, no, the world looks like this from where they’re standing there seeing the houses behind you and the river over there, whatever the case may be, they really don’t see the world the same way. They can’t. They have a truly different perspective on how this is happening.

Speaker 3: 13:56 And yet we expect them to see everything the same way as us. And then when you tie in the differences between the masculine and feminine, the fact that they truly have a different perspective on the same situation. You start to see where the gaps come from and the only thing that you really can ever agree upon without the awareness of what’s going on, his defense that’s between you because you both see that one, right, so it’s a good metaphor to lock it in. Like we assume we know what’s going on on the other side and you can’t because you’re really not on that other side yet, but you could put yourself there with the right brand. So that’s, that’s really the key of how one person can always change it, but we haven’t been brought up to think that way. We haven’t been brought up to respect these differences and we’re suffering for it necessarily. So we’re trying to change the title and then changed the world because we certainly could use some better relationships in the world. So how do they act? How do people actually do this? Because I know people are gonna go, okay, I get that. I understand that and resonant me. I definitely understand the metaphor, but what do I actually do? Well, we teach

Speaker 4: 14:52 an eight step system and in that system we take you through the eight steps to transform any relationship, learning how to use these tools, learning how to see it differently and what you’re literally doing is you’re getting an education and a perspective shift on how to understand how your partner is wired and how to really see how you’ve been wired and to show up differently to shift yourself so that your partner experiences a shift to without having to do any couples because couples work doesn’t work, but being able to shift yourself and so we have a tool box with loads of tools and strategies for that.

Speaker 2: 15:29 So for sake of time, I can’t go through all eight. Can you give me a couple of people can do. I’m all about making particular action. It’s Valentine’s Day. They should be out doing something. They didn’t make their marriage and their relationship better.

Speaker 4: 15:41 Absolutely. Well, I’ll give you one quick thing from step four in our system, which is all that synergy which is learning how to create a rock solid team and how to have that alignment. We teach a hierarchy of how to, um, because people are, I’ve never been taught how to actually align in your primary relationship and what causes a lot of havoc and relationships is when one spouse is putting the kids before the spouse or maybe one spouse is putting family of origin things over and before the partner if you are prioritizing anything,

Speaker 2: 16:19 I get accused of being the primary thing because my entire life I’m very passionate about what I do and especially right now at clickfunnels, I’m like Uber Passionate and there are times where my wife goes, wait a second year, you spend more time with them than do with me. So how do I fix it?

Speaker 4: 16:35 So the tool is attention versus intention because the struggle that you and most people face is like I have to work a certain amount like I have to, I have to work. I can’t spend every minute sitting at your feet saying, hey, how did you like that minute? Was that a good. We only have so many minutes a day. That’s just a fact. The differences. A lot of us focus on attention. Like, how much can I give my word once more for me? The kids want more from me. My wife wants more from me, my husband, but it’s not about how much attention you give. Your attention is going to go where it needs to go. We all have things. We’re all busy. It’s about your intention. When you start living from the intention that my spouse and my marriage, there’s nothing else in this world that’s ever going to come before myself.

Speaker 4: 17:28 We’re going to align and from that alignment, we’re going to choose. We put the kids first. We’re going to choose. We’re going to do this mission. We’re going to do this business. We’re going to choose and when it’s working for us, great. If it’s not working for us, we’re going to talk about how can we reorganize? What else is it being done? How am I not meeting needs? What else can we do when partner feels like you are living with the intention that my marriage is first, I put my attention, my attention, where Gina goals, we’re growing, we’re serving, we’re doing stuff. My kids know I love them. We serve our children together, but we are rock solid and nothing will ever be more important than you’d be amazed how not only do they align with the things that are the most important in your world, but they also get on the same page with you and push you to experience everything that you want in the world because they know that they’re not competing. The challenge that is most people’s radars, especially entrepreneurs, is that no one on earth will ever give you 100 percent support with something they also feel like they’re competing with for your time, attention and priority, and until you give them the experience of feeling like there’s nothing that can even come close to competing with you.

Speaker 4: 18:48 They’re always going to be like, I don’t know if I want you to be working. I don’t know. I’d like to get in the way of that. I might have a stink about this. I don’t want to make that easy for you because they feel like they’re competing with it. It may feel like the grand canyons difference to have your partner feel like they’re your number one, but it can happen in an instant you. It’s about living from your priorities like Russell teaches, plateau, Colomo, whatever that is, right? Well, if your marriage is number one, are you living? Are you really living from your priorities? That doesn’t mean all your minutes of your day go into your marriage, but are you living, but that is your number one priority. When your spouse feels that and believes that everything in your world will shift.

Speaker 3: 19:29 So everybody who’s listening, you guys could just sit on the sidelines, I’m gonna, get some free counseling here,

Speaker 4: 19:39 solution providers, and we can sell whatever there seems to be that there is no relationship situation that we can’t solve our gifts that we’ve been given and our mission is just to give it to the world.

Speaker 3: 19:52 Free up some other people too saying, you know, part of the problem too is we are a partner has to meet us halfway. It’s, it’s there’s only one person that shows up differently and just in that example that you just gave is literally you can shift that dynamic if you truly convey to your partner that they are, they are everything to you in this world. You will do anything for them and right now this happens to be the vehicle for how we are providing for our family and all that, but they feel from you how much you love them and they are the priority and if something ever happened like where you had to choose like no, your first time apartment I will find some other way of making a living for us to provide for us. But you know when it gets right down to it, you are number one and when your partner can really feel that they can get out of the way.

Speaker 3: 20:31 It’s always one person who creates that tone and one person that can shifted. And when it comes to a tug of war, it has to be both sides hanging on. Either one could have dropped. That road is always been in one hand and what we talked about. When you hear things like counseling as part of the flaws, people go into this thinking, well, I can’t anything unless my partner does something first or meet me halfway. That’s never going to turn out to be something magical work. Somebody kind of meets you. Halfway is magical and one person shows up and they’re like, you are my number one in this particular instance. You are my number one. You mean the whole world to me. Anything else can fall apart, but I can’t lose you and right now this is what we’re doing for our family.

Speaker 4: 21:05 That’s a whole different thing that sets a whole different tone.

Speaker 2: 21:10 I really appreciate that. Only because knowing. So this is a crazy, crazy week for me at the office. Uh, there will be very, very late nights and early mornings here. Um, but it’s interesting because I know that for, for example, for my wife, the most important thing for her is it’s not money. It’s not gifts. Appreciative, but it’s time. Quality. Time is like the most important thing for her. And I’ve used to think it was just quantity time and so I’d be there quantity wise, but I wouldn’t be there being present work. And so Saturday I knew we were in a situation where I knew this is going to be a crazy week and so I made sure we had our date night on Friday night. But then on Saturday I thought we gotta do something even more special. And so we went on this crazy hour and a half drive up into the mountains to find this hot spring that wasn’t even hot.

Speaker 2: 21:58 It was so shallow you couldn’t sit in it. And the people who were in there, I’m like, I don’t know if I want to be in sharing this cesspool with you. And so we turned around and drove another hour and a half back down and then walked around the Boise river for four or five miles trying just only because I know you and I’ve spoken on this kind of stuff before. And I, I know the importance for myself, especially with my wife being president. And even though in the back of my mind there’s like, oh my gosh, you’ve got a laundry list of things to do, but I know that, uh, for her. And one thing that I’m, again, I wish I was as great as you guys are, but for me it’s one of those things where I’m, I’m working on it all the time too. The best way that she understands my intention is by my spending quality time, whether it doesn’t have to be weeks on end, but it has to be quality time where it’s just her. And I know as I, as I do that is, I show up for that. It then allows me. She’ll be like, Dave, go, I know you need to do this, this group can you do with that? So I appreciate that a ton.

Speaker 4: 22:58 Masculine presence is not just your wife’s a masculine presence is tremendous for all women who are in their feminine meeting, their masculine presence. I actually talk about this even in the 30 day challenge. I’m in one funnel away about using the great, great skill that masculine energy has of compartmentalization where you’re able to put something in a box and put it away and like not think about that, using that when you put your work away and giving yourself that grace to be fully present for her with nothing else, for a period of time, making that decision intentionally and showing up with masculine presence, which is something all teachers a lot to the men in our programs. It does wonders for a woman. I think it’s underestimated because you guys have your presence all the time. You don’t realize how important that energy is to the feminine, but it allows a woman to just kind of melt away all of her stress, all of her thoughts, because her man brings his presence so she can release all of the controlling, directing and stuff that she’s doing all week long. Men Can do controlling, directing, leading. Women can do controlling, directing, leading, but you get fueled up by. We get exhausted by it and it’s your masculine presence that lets us rejuvenate and replenish to be ready to go out there again. It is so needed. We don’t have that energy within us. And you do. And so when you have that really focused masculine presence time with your lady, even if it’s 15 minutes a night, um, it can do wonders to allow her to feel ready to do it all again.

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“Expert Secrets Is The Map That Will Allow You To Turn Your Specialized Knowledge, Talents and Abilities Into A Business That Will Work For You! This Is One Of The Shortcuts of The New Rich” - Robert Kiyosaki